Who am I, really? Will we ever know?

Motherhood is such a wild ride.

I’ve lost myself and found myself at the same time.

I’ve become someone new while rediscovering the core of who I’ve always been.

It’s living with contradictions. Complexity.

And yet still I ask - who am I? Who am I meant to be?

Which, of course, is the wrong question.

I mean, there are many who believe that to be the question. And I respect that.

But I believe meaning is what we make it.

And therefore who I am meant to be is who I decide to become.

So then the relevant question is - what do I want?

Who do I want to be?

I dunno, man.

Kind. Generous. Loving. A good example. A good role model. Strong. Flexible. Intelligent. Patient. Fun.

I realize in those answers - they are all centered on how I want my child to think and feel about me. And how I want him to feel. Loved. Supported. Encouraged.

He really is the center of my world. It still feels wild how structurally you change.

Even while spending 9 months literally structurally changing. Almost 18 months out and I’m still blown away by how this whole motherhood thing works.

And how absolutely incredible my child is.

And at the same time I don’t want to not have my own personhood. Because I want him to see me being a person. A mother and a person. With hobbies. And passions. And projects.

And also having my own time and my own interests - that keeps me sane. That makes me a better mother. That lets my brain expand in new and different ways.

And that’s a good environment for a child, I think.

What’s my point here?

I suppose that I thought I’d write about how the discovery of who you are after having a child is both familiar and like stepping into a whole new world. And It is. And also - it just all comes back to him.

What a cliche! The things we do for our kids!

It’s also been an interesting time because where we are living is not close to our closest friends and I’ve felt pretty isolated. Which I think, in general, is pretty common in early motherhood.

But being isolated and trying to rediscover yourself in the 3 minute segments you get throughout the day - is just barely fruitful. Just barely skimming the surface of the deep questions to form a path forward.

And only bouncing these ideas off your own sleep-deprived brain is a real trip.

I don’t say any of this to complain. Just to share. And explore. And try to understand.

As I said in the last blog post, I miss music. And finding the ways to reconnect with that part of myself in early motherhood is a challenge. And finding the ways to reconnect that feel fulfilling is even more so.

I think that’s what drives all of the “who am I” questions. Who am I without music? Who am I with a new relationship with music? What does that look like?

Stay tuned, I suppose.